Throwback Thursday: The Mighty Ducks

 

Let me start by saying that "The Mighty Ducks" is probably the most influential and moving film of our generation! That being said, what the hell is Emilio Estevez wearing? Really? A denim collared shirt and khaki pants? You could have at least worn a belt! No wonder Charlie Sheen is doing so much better than you!


What I really enjoy is the fact the kids are all supposed to be pressing their faces against the glass and making funny faces. Too bad that's the fakest looking glass effect I've ever seen. Haven't these people ever heard of Photoshop? They had to of in order to do those shitty effects on the kids faces to make them all look like deformed pig monsters!


Luckily this film is also available on LaserDisc so there's that!


And now for a special treat, here's the Canadian version of the poster!!!!! fdjafhadsjlfhaslhflad!!!!!

Wait a minute! Emilio wasn't holding that hockey stick before! What the hell's going on? I'm guessing the marketers wanted to make absolutely sure Canadian moviegoers knew this film was about hockey so they added the stick. They also added the quote at the top about "Going into Overtime" which just further supports my claim. I guess the real question is "Is that really even Emilio Estevez's hand?" The world may never know!

Arthur!

I have to admit I was a little disappointed when I found out this wasn't a live action version of "Arthur the Anteater" but I'll still hold on to the hope that one day my dream will become a reality!

One thing I noticed right away is that this poster has 2 taglines! I'm guessing what had happened was there was a fight between two execs as to what the tagline should be and they couldn't decide so they just put both.

The first: "Meet the world's ONLY loveable billionaire." will make people say "Hey, all the billionaires I know are a-holes. I'd wouldn't mind paying 15 dollars at the Arclight to see a story about a "loveable" one!"

The second: "No Work. All Play." makes people say "I hate work but I love play. If this film is only about play then count me in!"

If Arthur is such a billionaire then why does he have the shittiest toys in the world! I mean, if I was that rich I wouldn't have little robots, I'd have life size ones that danced and told jokes. I would also have a dinosaur that I'd ride around the town. Add giant robots and a ride-able T-rex and I'll be first in line to see this film!

Waiting For Forever!

I haven't seen any trailers for this movie at all. However, this poster is plastered on pretty much every bus stop in LA, which makes no sense because homeless people don't  even go to the movies!

Speaking of homeless people... Nice outfit Tom Sturridge! Just because you own two plaid shirts doesn't mean you have to wear them both on the same day. Or is that your "Courtin' a lady" motif? He also seems to be wearing "the one ring" from "Lord of the Rings" to try and trick common nerds like me into seeing this movie. No dice! Put a hobbit on the poster and we'll talk but until then you'll be "WAITING FOR FOREVER" for me to come see this movie. (See what I did there? Yeah, I put the name of the movie into my closing statement! Tits!)

Big Mommas:Like Father, Like Son!

Momma's got Back-up! Get it? It's a reference to the hip hop hit "Baby Got Back" and it also alludes to the fact that Big Momma is secretly a cop, with back-up! It's nice to see that Tyler Perry has allowed for a black movie to come out that he had nothing to do with.

Matthew McConaughey Can't Stand Up By Himself!

Apparently this is really old but this is a lot easier than posting a new hilarious poster. Why does MM always have to lean on somebody? Is it because he "leans" on other actors and actresses in real life to make his movies less terrible? Well, it doesn't work. And what the hell is "Surfer, Dude?" Did Matthew put all those animals in the tree himself? Of course not. At least he's wearing a shirt in most of these!

The King's Speech!

Apparently this movie was really good. How do I know? Because it won a bunch of awards and anything that wins awards must be good. Problem is, Colin Firth doesn't look like a king at all! Where's his god damned crown?! Kings wear crowns, robes, and have at least one magical sword handy at all times. This guy just looks like some tool on his way to a job interview at an investment firm! The queen (also no crown) looks like she's about to whisper in his ear, "You better not fuck this up!"And Geoffrey Rush is staring at him with that creepy glare! What does he know about teaching people not to stutter? He's a freaking Pirate!

The Green Hornet!

I think the word bubbles ahead say it all but let me just tell you, I saw this movie and it was actually pretty good. Judging from this poster you'd have no idea that this is  a comedy action film. Maybe they're just embarrassed of Seth Rogen?

Just Go With It!

First of all, people their age don't fistbump! Ever! OK, maybe some old guys playing basketball at the Y but other than that, it doesn't happen.

From the tag-line, "Sometimes a guy's best wingman.... is a wingwoman," we can tell that this is going to be a movie about Adam Sandler trying to bang a girl half his age with the help of Jennifer Aniston.

Judging from the look on both their faces, it seems as if Sandler and Aniston have just "pulled one over" on this young woman. Gee, Adam Sandler, this is a great way to start off a relationship with someone new, "BY LYING TO THEM!" (Actually that's not sarcasm, I really think that's a great way to start off any relationship.)

Also, who sets their chairs up on the beach facing AWAY from the water?! Maybe these two were spending so much time hatching a plan that they didn't even remember they were at the beach. Now they're stuck facing the fat guy sun bathing in a speedo!

I'm guessing by the end of the movie, Adam Sandler realizes that he and this girl have nothing in common (that's what hookers are for. Ask Charlie Sheen!) and he realizes that what he's looking for has been right there, fistbumping him all along!

No Strings Attached!

 

Can Sex Friends stay Best Friends? I'm guessing we'll find out in this new romantic comedy which is seemingly geared at tricking men into thinking that it's not a romantic comedy at all but a movie about how you can bang Natalie Portman without actually having to date her.

We can tell from this poster that these two just had sex but are smiling at each other afterward meaning they are still best friends. Because people who aren't best friends but have sex never smile at each other. In fact, they usually scowl or frown after.

What I don't get from this poster is why Ashton Kutcher would want to be friends with Natalie Portman's character in the first place. Sure, she's hot and would make a swell sex friend but best friend? No Dice.

Here's why: She's also obviously a boring nerd! I mean, there's a stack of hardcover books laying right beside her bed. They look like they're from the 1800's. Who even has a book case like that in their bedroom? Someone who has no friends! That's who!

This movie would be great if at the end Ashton Kutcher is like "Sorry Natalie Portman but I haven't fallen in love with you but will still have sex with you if you want." Unfortunately, this movie has all the signs of a more predictable ending where they fall in love and everyone's happy in the end. How Romantic!

Hall Pass!

Hall Pass is a movie about a bunch of guys whose wives give them one week off of marriage to bang whoever they want. If you haven't seen the previews and only took a look at the poster you'd think "Hall Pass? But these guys are too old to be in school!" Luckily, the company marketing the film had it covered. They cleverly put "GOOD FOR ONE WEEK OFF MARRIAGE" at the bottom of the pass to clear any confusion. They also put a circle with wings around it at the top of the pass meaning.....they're pilots? Or can fly, or something?

To convey how outrageous and hilarious this movie is going to be, Owen Wilson is wearing a Hawaiian shirt that just screams "The Party is On!" Also his hand's in his pocket. What's he hiding in there? It actually looks kind of awkward. I hope he isn't playing with himself. (Or maybe I do hope that.)

Jason Sudeikis is also excited for the antics that are sure to ensue. He's got his eyebrows raised, a smug smile on his face, and most importantly, his thumb is pointed way up, which most certainly means "A week off marriage? Yes Please."

Fun Fact: Sudeikis is wearing a watch on his right wrist but in the previews I've seen, he wears it on his left. When will the lies stop?!

Finally, you can tell this is the international poster because it also features Stephen Merchant. He's having a swell time crossing his arms and wearing a vest thinking "I'm British so my dry wit will be a welcoming change of pace from these two blokes' "In Your Face" style."

Hall Pass? More like Hall ASS! Just Kidding. This film actually looks good.